TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have Yet another spot the place American Gentlemen can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide Anyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower Trump Tower Damascus in the war zone. It can be that he really should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You realize, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from House, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have turn-down support."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

Report this page